I wrote this in this week after Mother’s Day because I wanted to acknowledge those women who have found that conceiving and giving birth to a child is not necessarily an easy thing. You may have experienced the very difficult birth of a now healthy child or you may have lost a child during birth, or you may have lost a child before it was even born through miscarriage. All of these experiences are traumatizing. Literally, this is a trauma that will remain a part of your story for the rest of your life.
I know because I have been there myself. I had 3 miscarriages in total, two before my now oldest son was born and one in between my two ‘successful’ pregnancies, when I was trying to fall pregnant for the second time. I was lucky in that my losses came very early, all within the first trimester. For the first two I was overseas – the first one happened in China and the second in the UK. When I had my second miscarriage my then husband was all the way back in Australia for work, but luckily my brother and his new wife were living in Scotland so they took the train down to London to be with me.
I think that the biggest problem with miscarriage or stillbirth is that not only are you grieving a loss for a child who you never got to know, but who you had nevertheless loved since the moment you knew that little soul had chosen you and implanted in your womb. To add insult to injury you are also feeling like a failure as a woman. Feeling like you have failed the most basic test of your femininity, the ability to have a child. When you see other mothers out in the park or catch the eye of a glowing woman with a big belly in the supermarket your loss, and sense of rejection and failure hits you right in the face again, and as if that wasn’t enough you also begin to feel resentment for the happiness of these other women. The memory of the grief that washed over me when, a few months after my second miscarriage my sister-in-law fell pregnant, will always remain painfully vivid.
Anyone who hasn’t experienced this kind of loss is only able to empathise to some extent. The main problem in the case of miscarriage is that there is no evidence of what you have lost for anyone else, it’s out of sight and out of mind almost immediately. You are expected to get back on the horse and ride off into the sunset, and yes in many cases you could try again pretty much straight away but you need to actually be allowed to just sit with your grief, for a while. There are stages of grief and you need to go through them all. For more information about this check out my Blog on this topic.
Many clients seek out my services to help themselves through some kind of loss – often a relationship break down or a death in the family – losing an unborn child is no different. Reiki is very beneficial in these situations because it works on all energetic levels, allowing you to release grief from your body, mind, and spirit and all without necessarily verbalizing or even understanding the full extent of the trauma you have experienced.
We need to ensure that our heart chakra is balanced so that we are able to let go of our grief and move on, in time. Very importantly we also need to ensure that our solar plexus chakra is balanced so that we can regain our confidence and positive self-perception. The second chakra is our sexual energy centre and is also very important for regaining the ability to feel joy and passion, hormones can be greatly influenced here (I have had numerous clients who have gotten their irregular period or fallen pregnant very soon after a reiki session!). The first chakra is our root connection to the earth, from which all life stems, and balance here is also essential when dealing with reproductive issues.
Unfortunately you can’t spend your life in the Reiki studio and this is where essential oils come in to support you through times of grief and assist your chakras to maintain energetic balance.
Essential Oils for the loss of a baby
Black Pepper – this is a wonderful oil for any kind of grief as assist us to move through the stage of denial much more quickly and smoothly and on to acceptance. An acceptance that imperfection is a part of life.
Ylang Ylang – another beautiful oil for support through grief as it helps us to move from Anger to Mindfulness, and gratitude for all that we do have
Jasmine – a sweet and floral oil, that brings the warmth of summer in its scent, Jasmine helps us to move from feeling fearful to trusting again, opening ourselves to the wisdom of the universe.
Rose or Geranium – these two oils are very close in their active constituent chemical make up and as Rose can be difficult to obtain and very expensive it is good to have an alternative. These oils help us to move from feeling isolated and disconnected to feeling loved and in tune with the universe again.
Sage – when experiencing grief, especially as a woman experiencing the loss of a child, we question what has happened and constantly ask ‘why me, what did I do wrong’. Sage supports us to move towards wisdom and acceptance of the collective consciousness where we are all one, not individuals.
Clary Sage – often purported to be one of the best oils for female hormonal balance, in fact Clary Sage is very calming due to it’s action on cortisol production. Clary Sage will be a good oil to use in the later stages of grief as it assists us in moving from feeling stagnant to instead having the clarity required to move forward.
As always you can use the oils aromatically – diffusing them or using in a burner, or placing them on a tissue or hanky. If you want to apply the oils topically then make sure you use a carrier oil or some sorbolene. A good meridian point to use is the middle, front of your elbow joint, or you can apply them around your second chakra (a few centimetres above your pubic bone) or wherever you feel that you are holding grief or tension in your body.